Wednesday, September 12, 2012

too much stuff...

There is way too much to even try to catch up....

so let's talk about now. I recently moved to a new city for work. I am here for a couple months. After? who knows... The world is wide open. That is terrifying and exciting at the same time.  I have no plans...for the first time ever. My only forward planning is to schedule my hours so i can get to some good concerts, have enough time to roam around the state in my bad ass jeep when i have lots of days off in a row, hit the local dungeon, and i have some travel plans this month.

before i left the last city i met a boy. let's just call him Texas cuz he lives in texas.  i had a friend from fetlife i was really looking forward to meeting. he was cool as shit and cute and probably loads of fun. i liked him. i also liked his shy friend. i dont know why exactly. i dont know what i was thinking.

ok back up. my fet friend was moving to the area right as i was leaving. we got to meet in person. he was in the city vs out on in outskirts where he he said we could meet up to eat after i got off work. he had a friend from texas with him that had driven with him on his road trip so he wouldnt be alone. pretty cool. so i get to meet both. theyre both cute. well we walk from work to my house so i can change then we go eat sushi. i dont want them to leave cuz i was having fun so we go to a bar...which was great. we hung out and chat in this hipster funky kind of mexican bar place. i started sparking with texas a bit. hard to explain better than that. i just liked him...idk why. i also liked the fet boy. they were both cute, interesting, nice. i had to make a call. part of it was simply that fet boy wasnt giving me signals. then again texas wasnt exactly either. but the evening continued and it seemed to be going well. memory is showing now its damage and why i need to write sooner. there are some fuzzy details...i can pull them out if i try.

eh...i keep getting distracted by chatting and such on fb.

anyway the sparks were good with texas. the bar was fun. we then went to another one. there was dancing, shots, a bachelorette party with me taking a shot out of her belly... and then there was texas and me at my place...and fet boy was on the couch. awkward? shoulda been, but i drank too much. i puked...just a little...before we got home.

fet boy couldnt sleep...ended up making the long drive home...left his friend with me. this meant i had to drive all the way back to fet boy's house the next morning to take texas home there to get his bags and then take him to the airport. we were in the jeep like 5 hours. it was a long day...but it was pretty great.

when we got to the airport he realized he didnt have my number. i did have his. so he wouldnt leave til he had it. i called his phone and bsg rang. that's my ringer! lol...nerds we are. mine was a different one, but still bsg. it was an interesting way to part. we hadnt been kissing during the day because i didnt really know what to do. ... but at the airport we definitely did.  it was actually pretty romantic.

he makes me nervous because i like him. hm. the ex was pleased actually...that i had slept with someone that i liked. i had  a teensy tiny spree that same week... fet was fun fun fun. then after this...and with sexcation plans coming up... i didnt again til sexcation. story for later...that i might not tell.

anyway we talked about going skydiving. i wanted my good friend to go with me...but that is probably not doable... so texas and i will do it. we talked about him visiting me cuz he has long weekends sometimes.  he wont be free to come down for a couple more weeks at least. i told him when i had days off and he bought me a ticket to come see him. im nervous... and excited.

i like him...i dont know him well though. im afraid to like someone. i am afraid to be wrong about someone again. i was so fiercely wrong about my long term ex...and it colored my world wrong for years... was hard to see what was going on there.  then the ex boyfriend... i was more wrong about him than i thought. i really thought i was being realistic and being a grown up by accepting him for who he is, flaws included. but still... i had more faith in him than he ever earned. i dont want to be one of those people who looks back and has bad shit to say about their ex. the breakup was painful and the loss horrible and wrecking. now though...after weeks of building a real friendship back together because that's what i love most from him...  ... it's getting mucked up. this is the part that will make me remember him well...or awful... eh.  i dont wanna have an ex i think badly of. i also admit i dont want to have fallen in love with someone that is so... ... well... i might insert adjectives later. not now. that is a whole nother topic anyway.

ive also got a crush over here...on a bartender. i dont think it's going well. i do not understand people...boys. i have been hit on and come on to a gajillion times just this week. the one guy here that i am interested in is playing hard to get. i thought i got on good footing...from last night i was pretty sure, but alas...i am waiting to hear from him today like a dolt. and my ass is getting tired from being on this hard chair at the computer all day. i should get my ass out of the place. yeah there was a lil smooching last night. he was going to come over after he got off work and then i passed out...missed him by less than 30 minutes when he text. dammit. i should have given him my extra key and told him to come wake me. i fell asleep fully clothed waiting. im so lame.

then again im awesome. last night i danced a bunch. i took over the jukebox at this redneck, biker kind of place and we played house music and dubstep all and a girl i know. i got some of the others dancing, then what was left of the whole place. i made more new friends... and learned a lil about which regulars are difficult. ... and practiced keeping my temper when i wanna tell someone off... can't piss off the regulars, or the staff if i wanna be hanging out there myself. dumb... if he were all that interested i would have heard from him today i think. i will stop waiting. i will finish my online chores and get my ass outside somewhere. on the one hand i wanna say well dont worry about it, i have texas. i dont HAVE anything. That's just a hint of a start of a who knows what... and i'm not putting all my eggs in one basket until there is a reason to.

i hate that i meet guy after guy after guy...and almost none of them are even remotely interesting. the ex said i let people flirt with me that aren't good enough to even be allowed to do that. i dont know what he meant, but i wonder sometimes if he was right...doesnt matter i guess. i aint letting any of them get their hands on me.

also...i am wondering if i am only attracted to jerks. or idiots. a friend warned me that all guys are idiots. i said something about only when they open their mouths. then i realized i like shy guys a lot...maybe that's just cuz the idiot ain't showing yet. lol. going to go find something to do with myself. more later.