Monday, August 6, 2012

freedom list beginings's late and I'm hyper and I'm mildly nervous about writing here because the ex has the address. *shrug*
Lemme tell you about my life.
I used to be vanellabean... which is a name other people on the internet have since appropriated. Thank goodness you can google that name now and NOT find the old me. heh. Why is that so bad? good question, considering that I have much worse things up publicly on another site...nude pics and other very naughty bits. 
I used to tell the stories.... of all the naughty things I have done. Somewhere...oh somewhere...i have all the pages saved. I used to be so open, so out there...just do it. live it. love it. grab the bull by the horns.  somewhere something happened and it got fucked up. i know what happened. hindsight is a bitch.  i let my 'me' fall asleep. i got domestic. i got tame. i got dull even. ok so hiking, camping, fine dining...all fun. but if i look back now i see all the things i cut out, all the things i put off, all the distractions and damage i let run my life. it cost me. it really cost me. sometimes you have to fall down to get up. i was hovering...complacent... suffering... taking it... and then i met this boy. he woke up parts of me. but i failed. i stayed asleep.  i lost the boy. for a bit i thought i would drown.  then i remembered who i am. i remembered who i was. i remembered everything.
my memory is a root of many of my problems and i let it beat me this time. i forgot myself. i let fear guide me and pain and i confused everything. i became a shell of myself. i lost my love. hahaha i got knocked down, but i get up again...trolololol.
so now then... where am I? alive. i hate the cost. i hate hate hate hate hate the cost. but i'm alive again...all the way. it reminds me of how you get new glasses and are like 'holy fuck i can see shit!' but you didn't know you were blind before. well shit... that's me now.  so let's lay down a few bits and pieces of what i've been up to...
i ran home..."home" where my friends are, where I knew people who would console me and make me eat. It was hard, but it was a good move. it was still forward.
i got back. then...immediately dug in.
monday - i went to a bbq from with some other board game nerds. it was ok. i took a coworker. she's pretty cool. we hung out and had fun, mostly kept to ourselves and a few other people. was alright. then she and i went to a pub restaurant and ate a little. i don't drink beer...never have....can't stand it. but they had no liquor. dammit.  she has a friend in from out of town so we go meet up with him. this guy has a huuuuuuuge crush on her. he is quiet...sedate...heh...stoned.  turns out he has friends in town with him. so we meet them. we go hang at a bar. in the neighborhood we were in it closed at 12 something on a weekday. lame.  i can't remember a whole lot besides getting drunk on vodka.  one of the boys tried to order a round of 7 washington apples. what showed up was 7 waters. lol.  he tried again and we got shots. i think we did that twice. in less than 2 hours i think we had a tab of $200 or something.  yowser.
no one was bored. we were laughing and being silly and not flirting. ha. i was def not there yet.  anyway... so we go back to their hotel. three girls, four guys...and we're hanging out. some of them were getting stoned and bitching because it was early and they had no alcohol. i think i googled a store for them and they went to fetch beer. i had been flirting ... i guess i had been flirting... with this guy... zomg i'm such an ass. i was half drunk and he pulled his hat off at the table and i went "where's your hair?"  but apparently in just the right jovial way because it was funny and well received.  I think there was some head rubbing.
anyway so he hangs out with me in the room while the others go get beer. dammit i should have written sooner. it's fuzzy. there was kissing, some petting, hm...more head rubbing maybe.  he was a good kisser. oh shit that reminds me of another story before this one. shit. i think i'll skip that one. well shoot...i remember legs wrapping...i can't remember much of what went on, but eventually they came back.
so now there are 7 of us again all hanging out chatting, laughing, whatever. i've got my adventure hat on so i say why the fuck not and take up a beer. it's a bud light. ick. ick ick.  but i drank it. i drank all of it.  dont think i had more than one. i didnt need more than one though. i remember suddenly going "oh shit! can i have this after liquor?" and they all laughed at me. I drank it anyway. I think there was more flirting or whatever. doesnt matter. i think i was fun and entertaining. my coworker eventually left. the other girl kept asking to see my tits. i dont recall when exactly i obliged her, but i def did. i should have jumped on that girl. she was pretty hot...but i couldnt tell in my grief and booze mix if she was into me or girls. so i played it safe. ha. safe. screw playing it safe.
well around 3 i think everyone ended up sleeping. i dont know exactly how it happened, but i went to sleep. i was like i should get a cab soon. zomg everyone is asleep. where is my shirt? oh well. and i fell asleep in the middle of one of the hotel beds, which was between two boys.
ok what else do i remember. one time i got up earlier to pee and the coworker was in the bathroom with one of the boys, but they were sitting talking...on the edge of the tub. they didnt want to leave so they got in the tub, closed the curtain, turned on the water.... i assume put their feet up...and i peed. lol. the next time later when i got out of bed to pee the door was locked and no one would answer. turns out the coworker was gone, but the guy was in there, asleep...we thought for hours that he was in the tub, but he was on the floor. so i have to get one of the two shirtless guys sleeping on my sides to get up and take me to the lobby. so i must have had a shirt at that time. lol it was hillarious. then he went to pee but didnt tell i come out of the bathroom downstairs with no pants, no jacket, no wallet, no phone and i'm like 'fuck...what room did i come out of?' but then he showed up. i was drunk and happy.
i'm pretty sure drunk and happy bean is a good combo cuz it usually results in attempts to get in my pants...or my phone. ha. well so this guy that has this huuuuuuuuuge crush on my workplace friend then proceded to try to get some. i was still drunk. i did not get much sleep because the flirty boy from earlier and the crush boy took freakin turns trying to convince me to get horny. this could have been epic in a big bad ellabean way, but i was numb. i was still hurting too much. so i sleep...a little... alternating snugglies between the two dudes. awwwkward.  i think the crush dude even tried the 'how did your sleepy hand get on my big dick? but while youre there lets rub it with your hand.' ha. lame. he blue balled himself! ha! the other guy wasnt rude or pushy like that.  honestly i should have given more of a fuck that the one dude was being a douche, but i didnt. i knew i was safe and didnt give a shit.
i wake up early at some point and want my shirt. no idea where it is. pants still on. heh. the hottest guy of the bunch has moved...and when he did i remember asking him what he was up to cuz he had been sleeping next to the other girl who was next to the bathroom floor guy now face down on the other bed. he says as he moves "i sleep big" lol.  well later it turns out he went to sleep on my shirt...and when he figured it out he would not give it up. he wanted me to stay tits out. fine. whateve.r
so... 9 something am they all wake up one at a time...hung over. wanting the hair of the dog. so a couple try going down to the hotel restaurant, only they wont serve them any alcohol til 11. they are PISSED and immediately start hating on my city. ha. the city serves alcohol starting at 7. just not that restaurant.  anyway, so they want to go up to the pool on the roof. i have nada...and i'm thinking maybe i wander home. but flirty boy seems to want me to stick around. so ... i borrow a black wife beater and the smallest boxers we can find.  and around 10 we get up to the pool.  some dude that was there...50 maybe... had a small cooler of beer and offered some up. i took one. coors light. ick again. i took pics. it's kind of epic for me. a beer...sober... for a hot tub in a wife beater. redneck woot. it's funny...the first thing i really wanted to do was tell the boy about it. i knew he'd get a kick out of it. i kept quiet. i told him later i think. it's funny...i didnt think about it that way, but he was my best friend. i lost more than a lover, more than a boyfriend, more than a sub or playpartner. i lost my best friend....the person you want to let in on everything.
anyway it was funny and fun to adventure. next we went to the restaurant where they all ordered caesar's  - a spicy morning drink. i didnt. ha. i ate a lil. then we went to the market and water front and they were all VERY boring people when they were sober. i was too i think. i ended up leaving them to go on a boat tour, excusing myself to get ready for other things and clean.
i get home. i dont clean. i sit on the puter and socialize. whoops. i didnt clean for a while. dishes sat in the washer for a while before i washed them. i went to buy soap...but all the dishwasher soap boxes were HUGE and i thought zomg i wont make this many dishes anymore...and i cried in the an idiot.
anyway. next...
It's still tuesday now... and i get myself dressed up to go to a 'kinky poker' night... with ppl i met on my kinky page. actually i hadnt. i was looking at local events and saw it. rsvp'd and asked the hostess if it was ok coming since i didnt know anyone. she said great and was nice and chatty and said she couldnt wait to meet me. awesome. i asked if i should bring anything. she said no, but she never turns away wine. i brought wine. new favorite. win.
i figure it's kink ppl...yay i can wear some goth shit. ... everyone looked so vanilla. zomg really. but i looked hot. burnout (i think that's the word) black shirt with a vest so you cant totally see my bra and stuff. grey skirt, black boots, black and white collar, my hair looked amazing. win.
so i sit down and dont know anyone. 15 people playing texas hold em. never played poker before. they STILL don't believe me. i busted twice in the first hour or so...before the time was up for buying back in. so i bought in three times. then i got second place. win! The hostess joked later that i was mute until i started winning. i was watching, learning, trying to store rules in my head, trying to see what people did. i didnt know anyone. i was first. heh.
so i made a couple new acquaintances. one dude was real part because he wasnt hitting on me. he had a girlfriend and he was just being friends like friendly. after the game got smaller, some of the losers played strip poker at another table. then they tried to get me in. of course they had all see the tits on the other girls before. they seemed geared toward getting me naked. i was oh so tempted, but declined because the girls seemed to want to be done, but were offering to accomodate me. heh. well we ended up going out to eat after instead. yay. so i got to know some of them a bit more.
the friendly dude and me have kept in contact and he offered to go to a kink thing later in the week so i wouldnt have to go alone. ...ill get there though.
end tuesday.
fuck i cant remember wednesday.
i think i spent some time with my parents, or a gf, or guy friend, or something.
thursday... orientation at the spot. yes, i'm going to call it the spot. it is this big center  it's a sex club. i was thinking it was kind of a bdsm club thing. nope. it's a sex club thing. ... and part of their weekly stuff is bdsm related. ok. what does this mean? zomg i dont even know how deep this rabbit hole goes yet. the orientation was so long and so boring and i was thinking ok come on you have got to let some of us experienced people have shorter ones. dont do this, do this, dont do this, ok got it.  then a tour. ok then my eyes pop out of my head.
the play spaces change regularly due to the different events. they move equipment around a lot, so it looks different all the time they say. sure i think.  no kidding. true story. they have some old stuff, some new stuff, some heavy duty shit. zomg some day i really wanna get tied up in the bondage bed. :D
anyway, orientation was ok, but i was alone.  afterwards i randomly say hey to a dude there...decent looking guy, older than me. .. cool. well i say now what are we supposed to do until the party starts in an hour. he says eat. i say ok wanna go find a mcdonalds? (cuz i know i can handle fries on a bad appetite)... found a burger place instead. managed the whole burger. win. talked the whole stupid time about the boy. why? cuz this dude asks what brought me out. what happened. what about this and this and this. well shit asked for it. i apologized, but he said he thought it was pretty cool that i could talk frankly and not be a spaz. ok my words...i dont remember his. well anyway he seemed to be enjoying himself. we go back to the spot and to the party.
we socialize a bit, but then the friendly poker dude is there. i get a big hug and a huge sigh of relief to know someone. so we wander a bit, he shows me around some more. i meet a couple ppl, but it's a blur. i see people from poker and wave later. so anyway we end up sitting down in one of the like 4 or more big rooms and we are talking to people and in the middle of a sentence i interrupt myself with "what's in that case?!?!?" cuz it looks like a wand case...and it is.  so this cute army guy in from germany for a bit...he pulls out his case, shows it off.  i'm already chomping at the bit. zomg i want under that wand so bad i can smell the ozone already.  well so i kind of politely offer myself as a volunteer. i remember them saying be polite and no is no and dont ask again so im trying to be polite. well he was shy so he didnt exactly jump up and down but he said yes. but then he didnt move or say anything more. zomg you can imagine me squirming in my seat. dammit what did i wear? oh yeah long white skirt, sexy blue top. i looked gooooood.   anyway. so my friendly poker guy is next to me and sees me squirming. heh. i explained and then finally the wand guy asks me shall we and i about jump outta my shoes. heh. but...then i tell him about me as a bottom.
1 - i dont sub. i bottom...
2 - and its for pleasure, not pain.
3 - i tell him i will let him know what i like or dont.
4 - i tell him that i dont squeal, squirm, giggle, etc. that my little twitches are pleasure and that i relax under this thing like a massage
5 - i tell him it's gotta be on low.
6 - i top from the bottom. .... i dont think i said that, but i think it was clear. and he was still game.
so we find a table, which turns out the one we could find not in use was actually a stretcher. dont touch the metal parts when you're holding the grounding peice! ha. that was a fun surprise. i think i squealed a bit.
anyway so my poker friend is there. the burger guy had wanted to see, so i went and found him too. also two lesbian girls...noobs to d/s, but serious about it...they wanted to see. i had chat them up earlier (and since). so i start out with an audience of 4, but then i take my clothes off and it gets bigger. awkward. i was ahead of schedule apparently, so i have to stand there in just my panties for a few while he finishes setting up. he seemed more nervous than me about the audience.
let the games begin. zomg zomg zomg it felt so good. closest i had been to really horny since the ...thing.  anyway. so do i hold still? do i twitch? no. i squirm. i moan. i make faces. i look like i'm getting sexed up for over and hour. back, front, back, front. i have a sunburn but i dont fucking care. zomg zomg zomg it felt so good. i was gonna say it felt like electricity...derp. i am getting tired at this hour. I was aware of everyone watching and it was weird because i'm not much of an exhibitionist. but i think i'm leeeearrrrning....:D  I admit it, once in a while i realized it must be pretty damn hot to see me writing around, and at times flexing my toes so hard they would cramp...arching my back, twisting my hips. i bet it was hot. i was hot. i thought the whole thing was hot. i misssss the wand so much sometimes. i can't wait til my next visit with it. :D
ok...trying to head is fuzzy with warm and wet thoughts.
ok i had told the guy he would get tired before i did. he said usually the bottom gets tired first...or maybe it was the other way i dunno. anyway. his wand got overheated a bit before he got tired. then again i have seen since...people having it on for hours nonstop and never stopping. hm. well after i had spun out as much adrenaline as i think i had in me...i got up, got dressed, went and sat. of all wonderful guy sat next to me... nothing cuddly exactly, nothing inappropriate, but he kind of let me lean on him and put an arm on me. oh thank goodness. after care... something you don't really really truly appreciate until you either don't have it, or don't get just what you need. i needed just that little bit of support at the least.  my adrenaline fell out. it was a weird feeling, but i am sure i let out more than just some pain and pleasure. im sure it was quite therapeutic.
after that...i dont remember what i did. i think i socialized some more. the burger guy asked for my name online, or number...cant remember which, but i gave it to him. he asked if he could take me out for drinks. i said sure. I think I went home at a fairly reasonable hour.
---- friday? fuck if i remember. i think i'm going to have to go and reference my damn facebook before i finish all this business. this is enough for today. more LATER!

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